A man holds the crib of his unborn child.
The fake wooden rails creak under the grip of his clammy palms, a dangerous, but more importantly, unsatisfactory state, given he assembled it. “I’m not crazy about that,” he says. It’s his responsibility.
Still at work, his pregnant wife already has enough on her plate. He can build a crib.
Then, why does it creak? His grip tightens. He can do this. He’s about to be a father. This is nothing. He can handle a crib. Is it stable? He shakes it again. Not sure it’s stable. He must test it. Rock it. Twist. Jostle. Shake. Ugh, his wife can’t deal with this right now. Hold your shit together. Fix this.
As his wife steps through the doorway, the crib collapses, thundering through the apartment.
“Hey,” he says, “you’re back early.” A full bracket rests in his hands, dislodged from the crib’s foundation.
“Why did you do that?” His wife says.
“I regret it.”
His own fault. Always is.
Seeing the mess he’s made, his wife ushers him to the couch, lays him down, and rests a cool towel across his forehead. Her whispers soothe the voices in his head, pulling him away from the ledge, yet begin to cut with the edge of “I love you, but why do I have to put up with this.”
My worst nightmare.
When your cognitive design is a hollowed out bowling ball, coated in diamond, housing thousands of reflective, rebounding marbles that feed into an unrelenting cycle of self-talk that demands you keep your shit together, hell is comfort from the people you’re supposed to protect.
Stay calm. You let them down. Breathe through your nose. You failed.
Once you appear to settle down, the marbles just ricochet harder into the feedback loop of silent suffering.
Why can’t you stop breaking things?
That is hyperbolic, but that is anxiety. It hyperbolizes. Every thought, every observation, amplified, feeding its own voracious appetite for analysis and judgement.
In this early scene of Michael Angarano’s and Chris Smith’s film, Sacramento, Michael Cera plays the fraying husband, depicting the stasis of a man caught in a web of uncertainty and first world problems. Put in perspective, everything is okay, should be okay. Each small failure, every mounting responsibility, is still a problem, his problem, jeopardizing a carefully carved identity: a level-headed, self-sufficient provider. A man. Cope with nostalgia. Avoid through preparation and introspection and dreaming and more preparation, but your narrative will crumble under its own duress.
I got to witness Michael Cera’s brilliant performance in a theater. The audience would giggle at his character’s obsession with what should be trivial inconveniences.
Don’t be so silly. You think too much.
Take an action, any action.
Just get out of your own way!
Around my seat, waves of nearby laughter would compress me into a smaller and smaller ball under my coat, as I watched a mirror of unspoken fears and self-criticism performed on a big screen. What is it like for your angst to be depicted for entertainment, to feel seen, yet invaded at the same time? I cried. Until the credits rolled, I cried.
That night, hood pulled over my head, I left the theater in silence, dissecting my own tension between preparation and paralysis, perception and progress.
Sacramento is sold as a Comedy. It delivers a Horror film, excavating a thin veil of self-confidence among millennial men.
✨ Shiny Things
📚 Novel: Jesus’ Son by Denis Johnson
I’ve mentioned it in Notes recently, but I was floored when I finally read this book. This book is one of my favorite marriages of prose style, structure, and a character’s psychological state. A lot of drugs, some regret, and plenty of hospital shenanigans.
🎧 Song: Channel 1 Suite by The Cinematic Orchestra
Trip-hop is a great genre to slow down and catch yourself. I lost this song for a few years, but I’m glad I found it again. As the song refrains, sometimes a hug and a squeeze is all you need.
🎥 Video: (SNL) Black Jeopardy with Tom Hanks
This is a political comedy classic and a personal pick me up after consuming a stream of divisive news.
🪞 Reflection
Fam, if you can’t tell, I’m an anxious person. Constantly thinking, observing, and assessing new information. The deep thirst for information often impedes action, which is ultimately necessary to build momentum and escape a rut.
What techniques have you found most helpful to identify and short circuit a mental spiral? I’d appreciate any tips in the comments!
🐦⬛ The Murder
A chance to highlight recent posts of others and help you discover more.
A monthly update on the DMV poetry scene by Taru Marcellus :
A fantastic essay by Alex Lewis from last year on fatherhood through the lens of three musical artists:
🪶 Before flying away
♻ Restack this post if it resonated with you! It’s the best way to share and show support for the publication. Don’t have the Substack app? Feel free forward it to a friend who may enjoy.
See you next Wednesday.
Love,
Wes
If this is your first time reading Wednesday Wesdom, welcome 😀
Dive into some recent posts and personal favorites:
Thanks for the feature, Wes! I really appreciate it 🙏🏽
Riding the train with no destination observing others or wandering about the countryside takes aimlessly helps soothe my soul